It’s easy to see how it happens. You’ve had a string of broken nights and too-early mornings. Your tea just made you feel edgy, not better. Everywhere you look, there are things that need to be done: dishes, laundry, clutter. And you can’t do them because your 18-month-old is clingy and contrary — maybe he’s teething or maybe he’s in the throes of toddler negativity. Whatever it is, he is not fun to be with.

Then you serve lunch, and he suddenly freaks out about being put in his high chair, throws himself backward shrieking as you lift him in, kicks your soup bowl off the table and somehow manages to jab your eye as he flails. And you feel it: a flare of red-hot rage so strong it leaves you shaky — and shaken.

What kind of parent can you be, to have such hateful feelings toward your own little child? “This is one of the most intense relationships you have. And it is the only one where you expect yourselves to have loving thoughts toward another person all the time!”

The toddler stage — when children yo-yo between clinginess and defiance and are driven to push you in their push toward autonomy — is bound to trigger your anger at times. That’s OK, what’s important is how you deal with it.

“It’s not appropriate to direct your anger at your kids because it’s scary for them. (And, of course, physically hitting or shaking them can be downright dangerous.) Finding different outlets for this emotion other than striking or screaming is essential.

So how do we handle our feelings of anger?

Prevention

When children are hungry, tired and frustrated, tantrums ensue — and you plan ahead to meet your kids’ needs before a tantrum threatens. You can reduce your own vulnerability to anger in the same way. “Think, ‘I’m tired and have a short fuse today. What do I need to change in my day to take care of myself so I can take care of my toddler?’ That’s a very proactive, grown-up way to deal with that.”

Build in breaks: If you get a few minutes to yourself, try not to use it doing dishes. “Tell yourself, ‘I have to put my feet up twice a day.’ When you lose patience with your children, it’s because you’re empty. You need to refuel.”

Connect with other moms: Go out once a month with some girlfriends. “It’s a good way to blow off steam in an adult setting. “Talk about your kids and it’s good to get some different perspectives.”

Hone your parenting skills Toddler meltdowns tend to trigger parent meltdowns, so figure out what works for your “spirited” toddler. “When they’re calm, you’re calm.” When anger does rise, how can we handle it?

Breathe deeply: Anger is a physical reaction. “Your heart is pumping, adrenalin is released, so if you can slow that down, it slows down your reactivity and you’re able to think.” Slow, deep breathing calms the body which, in turn, helps us calm our emotions.

Let it out: You may need to physically express that anger. If so, we suggest a couple of non-violent, non-scary strategies: “Keep a stack on the counter. It’s a great physical release. Or keep scrap paper and your kids’ crayons on hand — just strike the crayon across the paper.”

Step back: Reminds yourself to step back and compose yourself before dealing with a maddening situation. Adding some humor also seems to defuse the situation.

Call in reinforcements: Tag-teams with her husband. One or the other of you should be rational when the other one is getting frustrated with the kids.

Change your perspective: Try to remember that there are many people out there who can’t have children or who have lost children, who would love to have everything you are experiencing right now. It will help you realize that this little tantrum or whatever is very small in the grand scheme of things, that you are so lucky to have this lovable child.

We all make mistakes, but when those mistakes are too frequent or too severe, our kids can suffer. When should you seek counselling to help with stress relief or anger management?

The bottom line is safety. When your anger feels out of control, it’s good to get some help. It’s not easy to admit to an anger problem, but remember, it’s your child’s well-being at stake. Look in the phone book under Marriage, Family & Individual Counselling, or ask your family doctor for a referral.