One of the most difficult issues facing children is the divorce of their parents or caretakers. Divorce requires significant adjustment for all family members including children, parents and grandparents. For several reasons, adolescents may experience a more difficult transitional period than their younger or older siblings may. Adolescence is a time of personal change, seeking acceptance and developing individual identity. A major life change at this point in a child’s development may be particularly traumatic.

Here are some tips for helping your kids with your divorce and maintaining a new family structure.

EXPECT REACTIONS

• Naturally, like you, your children will experience a wide range of emotions when adjusting to the divorce and their new life. If your children’s perception of family life prior to the breakup was positive, they may need to grieve the loss. It may help to grieve together. Reassure your kids they can always count on you and your former spouse (if that’s realistic) to be there for them. Keep communication open. Make significant adults aware of the divorce (teachers, coaches, counselors, and sitters).
• Obviously, with each additional change there will be more reactions and perhaps setbacks. Expect your adolescents to respond to seeing his or her parents dating other people, remarrying, and new siblings.
• Some adolescents experience a drop in grades or develop anger management issues. Children may react by withdrawing from the family and seeking acceptance and comfort from peers. Anticipate such changes in your adolescent’s behavior. Kids often take their emotional and behavioral lead from their parents. Be aware of your own moods and behaviors. Try not to be offended if your child says something hurtful or blames you for the divorce. Kids (and adults) tend to release their most negative emotions where they feel the most secure.

THINGS TO DO

• Encourage your children to ask you questions about the divorce. Understand that that this conversation may not be a one-time discussion but may come up over and over again. Listen to your children with understanding and without judgment. Adolescents will probably have an idea about why the divorce occurred. You can be frank with your kids while trying to avoid criticizing your ex-spouse. Reassure your children that divorce is the end of a marriage, not the family. Directly tell your kids that they did not cause the divorce and they can’t control or change the situation.
• Preserve your normal routines and house rules. When possible, avoid multiple changes at once, such as moving, changing schools, and losing contact with friends, grandparents, and other support systems. Unless you know that your former spouse will inflict harm on your children, encourage your children to maintain their relationship with their other parent. If possible, try to encourage your ex-spouse to maintain similar rules and routines in his or her home with your children. Set up a place for your kids¡ belongings in each home even if it’s just a drawer or shelf.

THINGS TO AVOID

• Even though adolescents may be aware of the causes of the divorce, avoid asking your children to take sides.
• Resist turning to your adolescent as a confidant as a substitute for a spouse.
• Don’t allow your negative feelings about the divorce cloud your judgment about issues related to your kids.
• Avoid pumping your kids for information after a visit with the former spouse.
• Don’t burden your children with secrets to keep from their other parent.
• Try not to send messages to your ex-spouse through your children. Young teens tend to resent these practices and they may work against you by breaking down lines of communication.
• Refrain from making harsh or condemning comments about your former spouse in front of your child. For example, if an adolescent boy constantly hears how awful his father is, he may internalize these emotions and think that he too is no good. After all, his father is part of him. Even if a child doesn’t actually verbalize these feelings, they remain inside him and will eventually influence his behavior and choices. Kids will eventually make their own judgments and evaluations about a parent’s behavior. It may take time but in most cases it will happen. Chances are your kids will make peace with themselves and both parents.