It is not necessary to be a therapist to help children cope with stress. One key element in reducing stress is a stress-free environment. A stress-free environment is based on social support, having the ability to find hope by thinking through solutions, and being able to anticipate stress and learn ways to avoid it.

SOCIAL SUPPORT

Social support means having people to lean on during difficult times. Parents who listen, friends to talk to, hugs, and help in thinking through solutions are ways children feel support.

Specifically:

1. Notice them. Well-developed observation skills are essential. Observe for more quarrels with playmates, poor concentration, or bed-wetting.
2. Praise children. Encourage children and show you care. Be positive.
3. Acknowledge feelings. Let children know it is okay to feel angry, alone, scared, or lonely. Give children the names for their feelings and words to express how they are feeling.
4. Have children view the situation more positively. Some stressors make the child feel ashamed. Shaming truly affects self-esteem.
5. Structure activities for cooperation, not competition. This allows individuals to go at their own pace and increases the learning of social skills.
6. Involve parents, family members, and friends. They can read books together, encouraging openness and listening. They also can ensure good nutrition and proper rest.
7. Host regular, safe talks. Members of the family or classroom group who feel comfortable can share experiences, fears, and feelings. Adults can recognize the steps a child uses to cope and help others learn from these experiences. Hold regular family conferences or classroom meetings to plan activities or to suggest solutions.

THINKING IT THROUGH CLEARLY

Children must learn to think through a problem. Some specific strategies include self-talk, writing about the problem, and making a plan. Thinking positively and thinking up real solutions is important.

Adults can:

1. Show how they can cope in a healthy way. Keep calm, control anger, think through a plan, and share the plan with the family.
2. Be proactive. Plan plenty of playtime, inform children about changes, and plan activities where children can play out their feelings. Books, art, puppetry, play, and writing help children think through and name their feelings.
3. Develop thinking skills. Help children think through the consequences of actions. Pose situations (friendship, stealing, emergencies) and think through actions. Ask open-ended questions about what the solutions to problems could include, such as "What could we do about this?"
4. Help children tell reality from fantasy. A child's behavior, for example, did not cause his or her parents' separation.
5. As an adult, focus on the stressor. Model how thinking through options for dealing with difficult people, situations, or problems helps you find solutions.
6. Find individual talk time. Talk about stressful events and everyday events.
7. Use stories and books. Stories can help the child identify with the feelings of the character and tap their own feelings to ease them out for discussion and to discuss coping strategies.
8. Use art for expressing feelings. Paint, clay, sand, and water all allow for active expression.
9. Encourage children to act out coping skills. Playing with dolls, boxes, toy telephones, puppets, blocks, cars, and similar items provides another avenue to bring feelings out for discussion.
10. Give the child some degree of control. Children should be allowed to choose within the framework of what is expected. Allow them to make some manageable decisions, such as how to arrange their room, to voice their opinion in some family decisions, which activity to complete.

FORESEE STRESSFUL SITUATIONS AND AVOID THEM

If we can foresee an event, we can often block it as a stressor. Ignoring problems, changing the subject, not worrying about it, or changing an action can be coping strategies.

• Identify what could cause stress and plan ways to avoid it or how to deal with it.
• Encourage children to be proud of themselves in some way. Developing a special interest or skill can serve as a source of pride and self-esteem.
• Use gentle humor or read a silly book to create laughter and to reframe negative thoughts into opportunities.
• Offer personal space. Modify the environment. Quiet space and alone time should be allowed. (Adjust noise levels and check the traffic pattern.)
• Teach relaxation and deep breathing techniques. Ask children to close their eyes and imagine a quiet and or happy place (the beach with waves, a birthday party, a warm cup of cocoa).
• Teach conflict-resolution strategies. Teach children to think through alternatives ways to solve problems. Who else can help solve given problems? What additional information do they need?

As adults, we can make sure we don't add to children's stress by expecting them to act in adult ways. We can praise, be positive, seek positive solutions, help children name their feelings, teach fairness, help children learn to like themselves, be patient, teach honesty, and give lots of love and encouragement, particularly during difficult times.