Of course, not all men feel the same fears and emotions during a pregnancy; however there are many questions and thoughts that appear to be quite common. Here is our Top Ten…
Will I be a good father?
At some point during your wife's pregnancy, you will probably have begun to wonder what type of father you will be. This thought process probably continues after the baby's birth.
Our concept of paternity is formulated from our own experiences when children. When you were a young boy, it was probably not expected that your father took an intensely active role in child rearing in the way that everyone (including the articles on this web site) seems to be expecting from you today.
The choice is clearly yours to take. Do you want to be exactly like your own father (which can be a good or bad thing, depending on your father), or do you want to break the mould and try to do things differently for this new generation?
Can I Financially Support The Family?
This is the big one for most men. Sometimes the birth of a child means that you shift from two salaries and two people to one salary and three people. We can all do the mathematics for that one!
Occasionally it is the woman who is the main breadwinner and when she falls pregnant, the pressure for the man to get a better job can be quite intense (from both within yourself and from the people surrounding you).
Many men will feel the need to shoulder all of the future responsibility for family income and insist that their partner stops work altogether. This usually derives from the “Macho” element of our society’s teachings (and doesn’t only happen when a pregnancy is due). This deeply ingrained thought process can sometimes be a method to ensure that the man feels that he is making a full contribution to the family, after all, he cannot carry a baby in his stomach for nine months, so he must have an input with influence in one way. Another reason can simply be that he is mimicking his father’s attitude to family.
This last option is often chosen and usually works quite well. However, when you come to make your decisions, try to take into account what both you and your partner want for the future and try to be as practical as possible without basing your choices on “what you should do”.
Can I Handle Her Emotional Changes?
It’s a tough cookie this one. Certainly for the first pregnancy, the chances are that you will meet a side to your partner that you have never seen before, no matter how close you are. The hormonal shifts within her body can cause all sorts of strange emotions that do not fit her ‘normal’ character, but don’t worry about a “monster” in your life for 9 months, most problems are short lived and sporadic.
Each woman reacts differently to pregnancy, so no-one can tell you exactly what to expect, but here are a few examples that may give you a little insight:
- First few weeks – Slightly tetchy and irritable
- Around 10 weeks – Can’t remember what she said 30 seconds ago
- Around 15 weeks – Annoyed because there is so long to go before it is all over
- Around 20 weeks – Sudden snaps of frustration/anger over an item on the news
- Around 25 weeks – Cries for an hour because of an advertisement on TV (the puppy one)
- Around 30 weeks – Shrieks then cries with anger because the toilet roll is fitted the wrong way around
- Around 35 weeks – Annoyed because these last few weeks are taking FOREVER!
And another thing… Whatever happens, NEVER tell her “Oh, it’s just the hormones speaking” when she’s having a go at you over the mess in the storeroom… that’s the same as lighting the blue touch-paper and standing well back!
Am I The Real Father?
Most men, even if only for a fleeting moment, will ask themselves this question. This fear is based on a sub-conscious belief that they are too inadequate to have created something so incredible as a child of their own. Don’t dwell on this one, move on…
What If I Die Too Young?
We are all invincible when younger. The arrival of your baby can trigger for many men the acceptance that they are no longer the ‘young ones’ and are finally on the downward slope to death. The baby’s existence can sometimes mean that you stop to risk your neck every day on the motorbike or start to use ropes on the mountain climb. These of course are personal choices based on the individual’s own mortality fears and I will say only one thing on the matter; “Having a child does not automatically mean that you need to stop living.”
Will My Wife & Baby Survive?
A man’s mortality fears can also extend to his partner and child to be. Fleeting thoughts of how he would cope if one or the other dies during childbirth can pass through the head.
Earlier this century, this was a major concern due to the large numbers of women and babies that died during childbirth. Nowadays, the technology available has thankfully removed the need for this worry to a great extent.
Will She Love The Baby More Than Me?
To be replaced in the affections of your lover by your baby is another fear that is quite common. This is not a totally unfounded fear if one does not fulfill one’s own role during and after the pregnancy. If the mother is the sole carer of your baby, then her protection over him/her can lead to a ridiculous situation in which the father needs to ask permission to spend time with his child.
This problem can be resolved by taking a full and active role in the pregnancy and after the birth in assisting in the care of your baby. Each parent, in their own individual way, provides a vital element in the baby’s understanding; security, warmth, food, comfort, sense of self and sense of the surrounding world. Who provides what and to which degree depends on the individuals involved.
How Can I Help During The Pregnancy If I don’t understand “Women’s” Problems?
Well quite clearly this is the whole purpose of this web site! The more that you can comprehend about what is going on inside your partner, then the more sympathetic you will be to her condition. We are trying to ‘demystify’ the whole subject so that men do not need to feel that they are outside of the whole process of pregnancy and childbirth. The more that you know about the subject the more you can assist her in the various decisions that need to be made.
Of course, until you actually see your partner with her feet in the stirrups, then you will never really know how you feel about it all.
Will I Do A Good Job At The Birth?
Like it or not, men are generally pretty squeamish. A fear that many have before the birth is that they will not be able to handle all of the blood and bodily fluids that will be around. They fear that they may faint or throw-up. In reality this almost never happens. True! You may not like the blood, but you will probably be too concerned with your partner and child to let it have much of an effect on you.
But I Don’t Even Like Children, So How Can I Cope With This?
This is not a stupid question. What many first time fathers know about children is restricted to the lives of young boys, and that’s only because they were one themselves. Many men fear the unknown elements of new children, especially if it is going to be a young girl (for which there is minimal experience).
The best way to look at this is probably to remember that for the first child, both you and your partner are learning how this all works, so do as much as possible together or share the load and laugh about it over dinner whilst you swap hints and tips. You may not like children in general, but you will certainly love yours.
