During a visit to your child’s school, you notice that your child seems isolated on the playground. In the classroom, he often sits off by himself. At home, he says he has no friends, or that he doesn’t like school. At the same time, when he’s with family or the boy next door he knows well, he’s fine. And you’ve already ruled out any serious disorders, such as autism.

What you have is a socially inhibited child. Such shy children seem to have trouble fitting in or even talking to others. Making excuses like, “He’s just shy,” doesn’t solve anything. And in school, excessive shyness can lead to isolation, intimidation and trouble with learning. Yet, because shy children are not learning disabled or require formal mental health services, they often can be overlooked. Parents end up trying to figure out what to do, often with limited success.

Kalpana, an professor of Educational Psychology, says certain signs indicate possible social shyness. In early childhood, it is normal for a child to play alone next to another child playing alone — called “parallel play.” But by kindergarten children should be interacting with playmates fairly easily. “If you’re not seeing social play, you might worry about that. You want to see children noticing each other,” Kalpana says.

Early socialization with friends and family can help children feel more outgoing. And a cold, rejecting environment, at home or elsewhere, will have the opposite effect. Unchecked, socially isolated children can spiral into a cycle of rejection through elementary school and into the teen years, when there is a higher chance that they’ll identify with other anti-social kids. “Rejected kids begin to identify with each other. They don’t care that they are flunking, they don’t care because that is what their social group is doing,” says Kalpana.

Shyness, in itself, is not a problem. Not every kid is going to be popular, and lots of children identify with one friend, and that’s just fine. But many students who have reduced social skills find themselves in the rejected or isolated subgroups of the school’s social hierarchy. And even if a child succeeds academically, trouble being accepted will shape his or her attitude about school.

Fiza , a social worker and supervising faculty, says teaching children a curriculum of social competencies should be as important as academics. “Social success is a key indicator of how well people do in the world,” she says.

In the group sessions she oversees with graduate students working with young students, Fiza says children are given opportunities to practice different ways to interact positively with others. Then they are given homework to try to try the behavior with others. She says if children can learn the dos and don’ts of making connections, learn how to start conversation, actively listen and deal with bullies and teasing, they will feel much more comfortable socially.

Some researchers believe that children are born with social abilities, just as they are born with good language or physical skills. Fiza believes that qualities children are born with and their environment combine to shape their personalities. Some children naturally feel comfortable approaching others, and some don’t — and so they withdraw from social interaction, she says.

Third grade teacher Lisa Momblanco says giving consistent and constructive feedback to parents is one way to help them help shy children. In her classroom she keeps a notebook on her desk for specific students who are working on social skills. When a child does something like volunteer to answer a question, Momblanco jots it down in the book. On a weekly basis, examples from the notebook go home with the child, so parents can reinforce some of the positive things their child is doing in class.

Setting up a more encouraging classroom is another way teachers can nurture socially inhibited children. Instead of drawing attention to these children by calling on them, Momblanco learned which activities these children enjoyed and would likely want to join.

“Usually the child is insecure and doesn’t feel confident about school,” says Momblanco. Children may also be embarrassed about a family situation, or may be socially withdrawn because of underlying learning problems with reading or math. These children should be evaluated for possible learning difficulties. Beyond that, providing classroom support, encouragement and positive ways for them to contribute in class help children open up more.

Fiza says that if a parent or teacher suspects that a student is having trouble with social interaction, the time to seek help is now. “How they feel about being at school is a huge part of their identity. If they are getting rejected, it is important to get help,” she says. “It’s a process of learning — and learning how to deal with difficulty.”