Forming the “in-crowd” reaches its peak in adolescence, but it can start as early as preschool when parents are setting up play-dates for their children. Feeling ignored is painful and lonely for any child—and difficult for you as a parent when your child goes through this.
Start early with setting up play dates. Try to organize get-togethers with parents of children who seem especially outgoing or popular.
Teaching good social skills is especially important for children who have difficulty making or maintaining friendships. Often these children have characteristics or personalities that make them difficult to get along with, like short tempers, difficulty cooperating with others, or trouble knowing how to respond to social cues. Teaching good social skills and appropriate behavior in social situations is especially important for these children
Friends figure a critically important role to children; yet, on average, ten percent of students at any school are loners, children rejected by their peers and without any friends. These kids must suffer through forty hours in school each week without any companionship.
Rejection and alienation by peers in childhood often carries serious emotional baggage well into adulthood. Without intervention, these children experience low self-esteem that can last a lifetime are at a much higher risk for issues like depression, and behavior problems
As a person who has seen much more of the world, you may need to make an effort to appreciate that the social turmoil you see as petty can be earth-shattering to your child. If your child gets the message that you don’t care or value these difficult experiences, he will be less likely to come to you with problems or share what’s happening in his life.
A child who is suffering social humiliations may be extremely reluctant to share his plight with you. Embarrassment or even feeling of guilt may keep him from opening up. Broach the subject gently and carefully, and make use techniques like hypothetical, discussion about films you watch together or questions about other children in his class.
If he brings up his feelings of anxiety, make sure to listen and validate his viewpoint. Listening techniques like repeating back or rephrasing what he’s saying are especially useful, as they let him know you’re listening and act as a mirror for him to reflect on his thoughts in a constructive way. Avoid trying to deflect his thoughts to something else, saying that he has no need to be concerned, or telling him what he should be feeling.
Remind your child that he isn’t alone in his insecurities or his desire to belong. Share a story about a time when you felt the same way. Letting him know that you’ve gone through the same experience will let him know that these feelings are normal and will reassure him that he can conquer his fears and adjust to this initially worrisome situation.
It’s important to listen and sympathize without always trying to fix your child’s problems. Adolescents often want to solve their own problems, but if your child knows that he can come to you to vent will make him much more likely to share.
It is your job to worry and intervene if your child is not liked or included by his peers. If you have a loner or a child who is being excluded on your hands, you’ll likely begin to see your child acting out earlier than his peers.
Share a few tips on making friends. Remind him that everyone craves attention. Small acts like flashing a smile or passing an encouraging note can start a friendship. Remind your child to offer congratulations to someone on something special they did, like a well-written poem or a goal they scored. Suggest that he save a seat for someone on the bus or volunteer to partner with someone on a project.
Make constructive plans together. For a young child, get to know other parents in the class, and together with your child, invite a prospective friend over for a play date. Getting involved in extracurricular activities
For the Valentine’s Day Blues: have your child mail Valentine’s Day cards to all of his friends (and maybe a few acquaintances) a week in advance. His pals will get their cards a few days before the holiday arrives—and he might wind up with a few cards and gifts himself, or at least an onslaught of “thanks” that will keep him feeling a part of the big day.
Know what is in your power to do and what isn’t. You can’t engineer a place for your child on the social ladder, and you can’t supply him with the sense of belonging that peers provide .
Remind him that although friends can help us to discover our social identity, finding our personal identity is an individual’s quest of self-discovery that will continue long past middle school. Ultimately it is not his friends or even you that can provide him with that answer.
Finally, family life should offer security that he can carry with him into his other spheres. Make your home a safe haven for your child to express himself.
