When a problem arises in a classroom, it is important to address it as quickly as possible. If you don’t, your child could withdraw or give up and the whole academic year could be a wash. But the thought of heading into that classroom to talk with the teachers can be nerve-wracking. Act quickly on small problems to prevent them from mushrooming into a year-threatening obstacle.

Your first step should be a serious conversation with your child. At one point or another, everyone encounters a person with whom he does not get along, whether academically, socially, or professionally. Teaching your child to deal with these situations at an early age prepares him for these trials later in life. Explain to him that in life we often have to deal with people we don’t like, but cannot react by getting angry, acting out, or refusing to do our work. It’s helpful to give him examples from your own life of co-workers, peers, or administrators with whom you have butted heads in the past. Show him how you worked things out constructively. Help him understand that this is an opportunity to show character and rise to a challenge.

Every teacher has quirks students will find annoying at times, and every child will occasionally complain. However, if your child repeatedly tells you he dislikes school, does not feel challenged by the curriculum, or is frequently ignored by the teacher in class, step in and take action. Remember to approach the teacher respectfully.

Often, a child’s version of what’s going on does not match the teacher’s. Keep in mind that your child isn’t always the most accurate or reliable judge of a teacher’s ability. It is critical to hear the teacher’s perspective on the issue as well.

Older children, especially middle school students, are prone to bow to the influence of peer pressure and judge teachers based on other students’ opinions. Consider whether your child’s gripes are valid or whether he’s just repeating what he overheard in the cafeteria.

If your child thinks his teacher is “out to get him,” make a list of his complaints. Look at the list and judge whether you think the objections are valid, taking your child’s personality into account. If he is prone to exaggeration and misinterpretation, proceed more cautiously. Talk to parents of other children in the class and find out if they have received similar complaints from their children or have the same impressions.

When trying to gauge the severity of a problem, ask your child how he feels and whether or not he wants you to get involved. But while you should do your best to respect his ideas and wishes, there may be times when you need to override his preferences and involve yourself in the problem.

Most teachers have their students’ best interests at heart. A lot of the problems students wind up having with their teachers are about conflicts of style and personality. Listen carefully to your child’s complaints about the teacher. Do they sound like instances of bad teaching or does it sound more like your child is reacting to a new and unfamiliar teaching style or simply doesn’t like the teacher’s personality? There is a possibility that some of the things the teacher says to your child or assigns aren’t “fair,” but in the classroom she’s in charge. It is your job to intervene if incidents or comments lead you to believe the teacher or principal dislikes your child. You don’t want your child to be labeled a troublemaker for the remaining time spent in that school. Although it is critical that you involve yourself in your child’s education, over-involving yourself may cause even more problems.

Don’t feel intimidated by the prospect of notifying your child’s school or teacher if you feel something has gone awry. If you notice a significant change in your child’s behavior, school performance, or attitude, contact his teacher as soon as possible. Don’t wait until his report card arrives to talk to the teacher about a potential problem with his schoolwork; schools and teachers depend on parents to alert them when specific issues arise.

With teaching teams, each involved teacher only sees a part of your child’s academic experience: reading skills here, math there, etc. Each observes your child in a completely different environment than the others and focuses on developing a unique set of academic skills. As classmates may vary from subject to subject, your child’s patterns of academic engagement, participation, and social interaction can shift completely based on classroom dynamics.

Request a “team meeting” at the beginning of the year to discuss your child’s education, especially if you have a particular concern, such as if your child is gifted, learning disabled, or has had past behavioral problems. Getting the entire team together to hold a group discussion and brainstorming session will generate a range of ideas, options, and action plans, streamline different approaches and perspectives, and save you the legwork of meeting with each teacher individually.

Outtakes:

Question: What can I do if my child doesn’t get along with her teacher?

It is natural to become concerned if your child returns home from school with stories of how his teacher embarrassed or mistreated him. Nearly all kids go through periods during which they dislike their teachers because they feel they are treated unfairly or receive an undeserved grade. However, before you rush back to the school, have a clear understanding of the story from your child’s viewpoint. Ask him for specifics to determine exactly what happened, and find out if it is simply a misunderstanding or if it is a recurring problem. Stay open-minded and consider your first steps an information-gathering mission.

THE PARENT-TEACHER RELATIONSHIP

Forging a strong parent-teacher relationship early in the academic year will make it much easier for you if a problem arises later in the year. Frequent communication can stop small issues from growing into larger obstacles and provide new insights into your child’s learning style and interpersonal dynamics. Limiting your involvement to troubleshooting when a problem arises diminishes the positive impact you have on your child’s learning process and overall school experience.

Trust is one of the most important components of any parent-teacher relationship. When the teacher knows and trusts you as a parent who respects her skills in the classroom, she will be more likely to keep you informed because she can be honest with you without worrying about your reaction. Take advantage of everything your child’s school offers, including open houses and “Back-to-School Nights.” While there is little to no one-on-one time with the teacher at these larger events, you will still have the opportunity to introduce yourself warmly and make a good impression without monopolizing her time. Especially in elementary school, teachers spend a lot of time setting up the classroom to create an inviting and intellectually stimulating atmosphere for their students. Complimenting the room your child’s teacher put together is a great way to start a conversation.

Besides attending the open house, contact your child’s teacher and set up a one-on-one meeting early in the school year. Let her know about any special needs or learning problems your child has, his strengths, habits to watch out for, and skill she needs to work on.

Ask your child’s teacher what you can do at home to emphasize material taught in class, how you can help in the classroom, and what you can do to help with projects or school events.

Let the teacher know you want to stay in touch with her throughout the year. Ask her to keep you informed when both good and bad situations arise.

Give her your home and work telephone numbers as well as any other contact information you might want her to have, such as a cell phone or fax number.

If you walk or drive your child to school in the morning, short and spontaneous visits to his classroom are best for a friendly hello with the teacher.

Send a thank you note to your child’s teacher after the first week of class. Say something like, “Thank you for making the transition from grade school to middle school such an easy one for Kyle. I really appreciate all of your efforts during one of the most difficult weeks of the year.”

If you are willing to go out of your way for your child’s teacher, she is more likely to do the same in return. If she is comfortable with you, she will be more apt to call you when she has general issues or concerns—such as when your child is hanging out with someone who seems to be a bad peer influence.

Touch base with your child’s teaching specialists—from music teachers to art instructors to physical education coaches. Specialists often see a different attitude in your child than he exhibits in his regular classroom. For example, he might be more competitive or more standoffish in a physical education class. These specialists get fewer phone calls than regular classroom teachers, and may have special insights on your child because of the unique settings in which they see him.

Recognize the unique and often difficult job of teachers—they are expected to follow a complex curriculum that both enriches the lives of their students and addresses each child’s individual needs, while also preparing them for the annual standardized tests. Providing children with a solid academic experience while at the same time accommodating learning disorders, keeping the class disciplined, providing emotional support for children with difficult family situations, and working on the academic development of those who lag behind requires a continual, delicate balancing act on the part of teachers.