Now that baby’s here, you and your husband have just become partners in a brand new parenting team. These new roles are ones you’ll both have to get used to, developing new ways of relating to each other and to your little one as you go. Both of you should share the pleasures and the pressures of parenthood fairly–that means not only the chores and responsibilities, but the loving and nurturing as well.

When dad is actively involved with baby during the first year, both dad and baby benefit.

Forget 50–50

While parents today are freed from most of the stringent role-playing that relegated child care and housework to mom and income producing and car maintenance to dad, a new kind of dynamic often creeps in to upset how the family operates. That’s the idea that all matters of family business–from making money to changing diapers–must be performed on a mathematically equal basis. This approach often leaves each parent feeling that he or she is carrying more than a fair share of the load, and it fails to take into account each partner’s unique talents and the real value of each one’s contributions.

There's a better way

The most effective way to run a parenting team is to truly respect each other’s contributions and to arrange tasks so that you take advantage of each other’s strong points. For the team to operate smoothly, both mom and dad have to give up their roles as record keepers and forget about carefully noting who does what and for how long. Instead, you and your spouse need to focus on being teammates, pitching in for one another whenever the home team needs support. Here are some points to remember as you work toward sharing family responsibilities:

• Appreciate each other’s contributions. One partner may earn a higher salary. One may be more attuned to the needs of managing the home. One may be good at balancing the checkbook. The other may have a flair for cheering up a cranky toddler. In each case, different jobs are equally important to the well-being of the family and need to be valued equally.
• Talk about your concerns. Each partner should feel free to address his or her concerns about household management without nagging or being made to feel like a nag. Take time to list regular jobs, such as cooking and doing the wash, that need to be done daily, and monthly jobs such as paying bills and maintaining the car. Then determine who should do each based on talents and time availability. If one partner regularly does a job, it’s important that the other not criticize the way the job’s done, even if it’s very different from how you would do it. Once you’ve relinquished a job, let it go, and trust your spouse to handle it in his or her own way.
• Work towards agreement on the big issues. You and your spouse are individuals with different opinions, but large decisions that affect the entire family–such as what religion the children will be raised in, how to invest for the future, or where to live–must be made together, giving careful consideration to each partner’s point of view. Compromises often may be necessary.
• Respect each other’s parenting styles. It’s unlikely that you and your spouse behave in exactly the same way toward your baby. That’s a good thing, because your child will benefit enormously from experiencing your different approaches. You may be more of a cuddler and your spouse may be more active or the other way around. Together you give your child the sense of comfort and the sense of adventure baby needs.
• Adjust your standards. When a baby enters the family, parents sometimes try to keep to their prebaby standards of household neatness and energy for outside pursuits. The sooner you surrender to the reality that life with a baby is not neat and orderly and that you can’t do everything you once did, the happier everyone will be.
• Involve your child as soon possible. From toddlerhood on, a child can and should contribute to the smooth running of the household according to her abilities. Involving your child in household activities teaches her to become a responsible, independent person, gives her the confidence that comes with competence, and assures her that she is a valued member of the family. To start your toddler off, have her help you with simple tasks, such as setting the table, picking up her toys, or putting her dirty clothes in the hamper.